When you believed you are over something and You Had

Have you ever thought of something that used to be your reasons to smile?

Have you ever thought of moments that used to make you feel like you are in the ninth heaven?

Have you ever thought of those simple gestures that made you want to freeze the moment and never want to move to the next level?

Of  course you did.  If you had those moments in life and while you enjoy those memorable events that gave you romantic excitement, there were those moments that you wished you never had gone through.

There were also those times where you had hoped you never met someone whom you used to cherish but gave you reasons to hate the world.

For so many reasons, we, humans aren’t spared of getting hurt and being happy. Life is like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes, you are happy at the top of your lungs while often, you are down to deepest hole of darkness.

We experience different shades of brokenness. We loss people that matters to us–loved ones, friends, relatives and brake ups. While we are succumbed with sadness,  often we have different reactions to how we are going to move on and how are going to deal with it.

While I had gone through both break up and losing someone that mattered most to me in the past year, I was left with this question. When I believed I was over something but NOT.

It just came to me abruptly. How would I say I was over my break up and had moved on?

1. I can talk about it without in tears.

Admittedly, I am strongly emotional. I easily cry over things. I cry over the sad story of someone else’s, of the break up of someone else’s. I always let myself feel what the experience of someone is and that is how I connect to them. That’s how I understand them. Yes, I am blunt and straight forward but my respect to people is high.

When I went through that same experience, I allowed myself to cry. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and made myself understand the pain I’m going through. I accepted the fact that I have no control over the matter. I taught myself to move on and accept that fact that things happen for reasons. Lastly,  I managed to talk to it now smiling not crying.  I believe I am healing gracefully.

2. I can talk to the person involved without sounding sarcastic.

To be honest, breaking up with kids involve is harder than the common break ups for boyfriend’s and girlfriend’s. Why did I say that where in fact both situation goes through the same emotional pain? When you broke up as bf or gf’s, you only focus on your personal pain. You focus on healing alone while having the kids involved means forgetting about your pain but focus on helping the most vulnerable people involved in healing. While you make sure your kids won’t feel the most painful experience at a very young age, you have to be strong in front of them.

Not only that, time will come they’ll ask you when they can talk to their father or mother. In my case, I allowed them to talk to their dad. I didn’t teach them to hate him despite the situation they are in. They knew what broken family is but they don’t feel like they are broken because I made sure they are complete. ❤

3.  I forgive BUT I don’t forget.

I give chances and I’m generous of the word forgiveness however, I don’t forget how I was treated. How I was hurt and how I learned the lessons from the painful experiences. Seriously speaking, I preferred cutting ties with someone rather than pretend to be okay while being broken in the inside. That’s not moving on is for me. Moving on is not taking the person back in my life. I may have given the chance to talk to that person again but it doesn’t mean I’m taking that person back again. Maybe, I would have just considered that that person is human and still exist. 🙂

4. I don’t play a VICTIM.

If I get hurt, I vent and rant. I’ll give the same amount of pain. Maybe when the wound is fresh, I try to hate but not to the extent of believing I didn’t have any participation. I tend to over think and over analyzed.

When my anger subsides, I have to ask myself why it happened and how it happened. When realization hit me, I know I am part of the failure. 🙂 I got hurt but never a victim of how terrible things were. I accept that once, I was part of it. 🙂

So why continue to blame someone of the experiences you have had if most of the time you’re part of it? Why not teach yourself to accept the FACT that being once in a relationship is an involvement of two parties not a single one?

Admittedly, acceptance is the hardest part when you are in pain but truth be told, acceptance is also your key in healing. If you accept, you learn to forgive not that person but you forgive yourself that once in your journey you failed but you managed to bounce back not just tiny but BIG TIME!

Having said that, I am proud to say I have been broken countless times but is healing happily.

Gratefulness

 

It wasn’t too long ago when I was succumbed with the idea of ending everything–the painful memories, the hatred, the grievances, and the creepiest was to end my life too. I came to that darkest point of life. Where hope has become numb and the idea of continuing to live is out of line already.

It was never easy to seize every opportunity of opening my eyes and see the beauty of breathing. I felt that it was all useless. As I drag myself  out from my bed each day, I also continue to plot on how to end things easily. However, I as am to plot evil things for myself, I started meeting people who cares.

I didn’t know I was already going through depression. All I know was, I was going through some shit of life and that the only option I had left was to end my life. You see, those who are even around us cannot tell if we are sick especially when we do the same routine each day.

I only knew I was sick when someone asked me if I was okay. But with his probing , it encourages me to open up. It took me time to realize what he was trying to do. Admittedly, I was slowly distracted to the plot of ending my life, instead, I was realigned into bringing myself closer to God.

Little by little, I met spiritual people who helped me get through. I even attended counseling programs, had the chance to spoke to people I could seek help with. The stigma in this country is when you are sick, you are crazy. It is why these days, suicidal rate is increasing. People who are going through something– depression, anxiety disorders, etc don’t just seek for attention. They need help. They need healing. So why don’t be the person who will understand them, the person who is willing to listen to them.

Why I am writing this today? Why I am sharing this too personal that should be kept in the box? My answer is simple. I am not proud of how things were in my life few years back. How devastated I used to. How I thought I can win all the trials alone. How independent I am would allow me to surpass everything without anyone’s help. It was who I am. I don’t talk about me, the more I stop talking, the higher the chance of me losing everything–even my sanity.

To begin with, it is nice to be vulnerable,devastated, weak, or independent. But is not shameful either to learn to share how you feel. It isn’t a measurement of friendship and honesty if you open up to the people who understand you. As I look back to how my life was three years ago to today, it creeps me out knowing that I could have been dead from then. I’m indeed blessed and loved by God by bringing in people who helped me get through it.

Although everything isn’t easy, I slowly see the beauty of evey challenges. I am grateful to the people who stayed with me. Those people who continue to believe in me. Those people who encourages me to do better and see the best in me. Those people who taught me to be gentle to myself. Those people who encourages me to take things slow and treat my life as an opportunity and a blessing. I already know what they’ve been telling me, but being reminded how beautiful it is to live is one thing I am grateful for.

I am still a work in progress and I am confident to say I am healing happily. I am grateful of all the tears I’ve shed and been shedding, to all the rejections and disappointments and most of all, I am grateful of my life. The chance to be with my love ones is an opportunity God has been giving me. I’ve had a lot to be grateful for. Thank you Lord for keeping me strong.

 

 

Different Life’s Mantra

In life, we always start from a single step. A step that will either lead us to the right path or to the path that will test us on how we pass the challenges. Often, we take that easy route believing that everything isn’t going to be uncomplicated.

Ironically, life often surprises us with  struggles. Struggles that strengthen us or break us. To be honest, no matter how careful we are to live our life, there will always come a time that life knocks us down.

You see, there are no easy or perfect ways to live our life. There will never be a moment that you are spared of the struggles so you can live a better one. What is important is how you conquer it and how you have learned the lessons either the easy or the hard ways.

In that sense, you can never compare your life to someone else. You can never say that someone is having all the best while yours is the worst. You cannot be envious if someone can buy new stuff every other month or every after six months, etcetera, etcetera. We live our lives differently. We had our different priorities. You may not know whenever you feel that that someone is having the best time, that someone may have been thinking  that yours is better than theirs.

Remember,  we have different ways in dealing with challenges, problems, struggles, whatever you call it.  There are times when we want to shut down everything and forget we existed or to end the suffering right there but for others they would enjoy conquering it. It is simply because they believe the victory is sweeter. They believe that if they keep going and continue to fight, things will get better and everything g shall pass.

Individual differences makes us human. It is up to us on how we view everything. If we are to see everything as problem, then we are attracting problems to come in our life. But if we view everything into challenges that needs understanding and acceptance, it is easier to deal with it.

The way we see things help us to easily figure out solution. To see the good side of every problem. To believe in our ability that we can go through everything and it will eventually pass. That we will eventually heal the wounds of brokenness and heartbreaks. Eventually, we will have that smile back in our faces again. We will soon find the solution to the problem and our success is within our reach. 

I know it isn’t as easy with how I state it. But honestly, it was  how I did to conquer my darkest moments. I have been there. I have been to that side no one would ever want to know. I have been broken countless of times. I’ve loss almost everything but what I am proud of these days was how I made it. How I managed to drag myself to get out from the dark side wasn’t easy at all. It was a process. Healing is a process. Forgiving is a process. It never happen over night. Don’t worry, don’t over think. But the first step is to learn to love yourself. Learn to accept your well-being. Most importantly, learn to forgive yourself.

Take note, you are not doing all of these for the people who hurt you but for yourself. Accept that in every situation you played a certain role. You cannot blame just one person without you being part of it. Logically speaking, you get hurt because you allowed it to happen. Also, those experiences  strengthen us and leave us lesson of a life.

As life is a trial and error, learn to choose the path better if you could or you can still choose to always test the waters since is a wonderful adventure.  Go ahead and live your life in a more exciting way. What matters, always embrace the result of everything. If your fail again, pick yourself up and continue to move forward. Every time you overcome something don’t forget to tap your shoulder and remind yourself of how wonderful you have been.

 

 

When How’s and Why’s became difficult to answer

When young minds started discovering stuff around them, they started wondering about the what’s, the how’s and a lot of the why’s. They are curious about many things which also means, they need proper explanation to every thing.

Why it is important to let the young minds know the exact words for  everything, this is to simply avoid confusion. It is better that they know what it is for, how it is made, why is it dangerous, etc.

Remembering how decades ago’s environment was way different from nowadays, how learning’s and mindsets are more advanced these days which aides more to the early discoveries of the curious minds of the youngs.

As children continue to explore and learn, it is a definite that they will bombard you to the “how’s and why’s of life. Whether these are about toys, to dangers, or to further understanding of why their parents need to split or why their parents need to live in two different houses.

Why it became a challenge for me to answer their how’s and why’s? It is for me to make sure they didn’t lose any of the two. It is difficult to explain in a way that it won’t let their minds question even their existence. The few of the questions my boys asked me were:

How can we see our father again?

This was  their question when they realized we had our own place. When we moved out, they thought they will only be on their summer vacation. But since they are smart though young, I told them they will meet their father once things are a bit better. When bitterness subsides a little. As a mother, it is one of the heartbreaking scene to ever see and a devastating feeling that no mother would ever let her kids feel. Nonetheless, it was a choice of being in chaos or keeping the distance and letting the kids experience what reality meant. To give them peace of mind, I assured them, they will see their father whenever we have available time.

Why our family is broken?

My boys voice out whatever opinion they have. At a very young age, I never question how intellectually gifted they are to observe and understand what is going on around them. When they asked me this question, I told them that in one of the circumstances family experiences, sometimes parents do not come to terms. And if that happens, sometimes they’d rather be friends outside relationship rather than to be in a relationship. Which is something still they don’t fully understand. It is complicated as it sound but assuring them that no matter what, they have a father and a mother who they can run to.

Why you didn’t get marry?

I cannot say because I don’t want to which it is true but because I don’t want to plant an image that marriage is not important, I have to make sure that will understand. Marriage for me is a choice. You can choose to tie the knot or you can choose to be in love and never tie the knot.

How did you make us? Did you ever love our father?

A question that rocked my mind. It was too early to discuss such question as this since they are only 6 and 7years old. But to the concept of babies are made when two grown ups love each other and they live in one house?? That’s how family started. It is formed with love. Only again, an unpredictable experience changed your circumstances.  It is a very complicated question for me to answer. I don’t want them to feel they are a mistake because they never were and are the most precious gift ever.

 

F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S

Life is like a math. Sometimes there are problems that are easy to solve, often, are the hardest. No matter what, it all takes that one bit of courage to conquer it. It has to be balance and in doing that, you gotta find that tiny solution. However, don’t expect to much or you get disappointed. Don’t get complacent or you’ll never get what you ever wanted. The hidden tricks to every struggle is within us. It is a matter of connecting the dots, coming out of the maze, and putting the pieces of the puzzle together yet between those, are some tricky ways for us to make it happen but it will always leave a lesson of a life time. 

I’ve never imagined how boring life must have been when those struggles weren’t part of my survival. I couldn’t be more grateful of the tests and bumps that I’ve all encountered to make me the strongest woman I’ve never thought I could become. Truth be told, it wasn’t all easy. It wasn’t like a piece of cake served in a silver platter. It left me the value of working hard, of appreciating every moment of waking each day that as long as I’m given the chance to see the light after my long hours of sleep at night and be with my love ones– I’m blessed. Few of the things I’ve actually balanced just my thought as realizations are:

Forgiveness

To be able to love oneself, you must forgive yourself. It is easy to say but doing it is a challenge. There are factors that I must consider both inner and outside. Think of those that make you feel bad and those that affects your inner peace and those that can distract you when you see them. I remember how my mentors used to say– mind over matters or what you think is what you attract. Admittedly, I used to see negativities every where and I also think negatively and the result always frustrates me. But one of my friend once said, do you see how gentle you are to your kids? Why not try to be gentle to yourself? I know you want to achieve this and that all at once, but remember that it is a process. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt that you are better and you can do it.

I learned to step back. I learned to forgive myself from pushing it hard, the thought of failing each step, instead I started to love myself. I started to become gentle for myself. I’m still in the process of doing it, but I’m slowly seeing the progress. One step at a time as they say.

 

Acceptance

Oftentimes, accepting defeat or failure is the hardest.  We spend hours if not days, weeks if not months or even  years to wallow on the things we have no control about. We are controlled with lots of “why’s, what if’s and if only”. But the longer we want to get instant answer to our questions the higher the chances of making us feel bad and lower our self esteem. However, accepting the fact that life is like a wheel and that in every success is combined with failures, it will be easier to bounce back. They say, it is not how you start the race, it is how you end it .

 

Believe

I am this type of person who only believe with what I see. I don’t just believe what I’ve heard. I got to see it with my own eyes. Nevertheless, it doesn’t always work that way. It is not what you only see but it is what you perceive and what you are thinking. If you believe in  yourself, you  know you will get there. If you believe that you will make it, you will eventually. Always remember that you yourself is someone who will help you and no one else’s.

 

Understand

In every situation, there are those moments that no matter how hard you have tried, you feel like your effort isn’t enough. You feel like every thing is incomplete. Yes, because you didn’t try to understand. You expected more than what you did. As a matter of fact, I have high expectations for myself. I love competing with my own abilities and the more I compete, often I get frustrated. I learned to understand that if I did well today, tomorrow maybe different. It can bring me to a different stage or it could bring me down. Whatever the result, I understand that it will always give me a lesson.

Love

It is often the most ironic word we often use. The instant word we use to make someone feel better, but my question is, do you feel that love for yourself? I now fully understand that in order for me to fully love others, it must start within me. It must be loving myself first so I can share it to the people around. It isn’t about saying it, it is a matter of feeling the warmth you have in your heart.

Openness

This is one of my challenge to myself. I don’t usually open up to my friends. I’d rather keep it as long as I can. But I now learned that somehow, sharing the burdens make a life a little bit easier. They may not take it away, but at least it lessen the pain while sharing it. Although we have those closest people around, the most effective way is to become closer to God and most of all to open up to Him and allow Him to carry the burden you have. Trust God no matter what happen.

Undo/ Let go

Letting go is the hardest thing to do. It is because we cling too much to the idea that maybe we can still fight for it. Maybe we can still restore it. But if it isn’t worth every effort you do, learn to undo. Don’t dwell to much in the things that unresolvable rather give yourself the space for a better opportunity because while you keep fighting for the wrong ones, you are letting the best to pass. Instead, undo the hatred and turn it to love. Forgive and have that peace of mind. Just keep on seeking the good over the bad.

Start Over

There is always reasons why things happened. We may not understand it while we are experiencing it but there is always the word “START OVER!” Life is a combination of success and failure. We experience successes and failures. But it is how we start over whenever we fail. It is how we bounce back from every downfall we have. So if you fail today whether this is relationship, career, etc., as long as you are given the chance to see every light after each day, you always have the time to Start over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Person I didn’t Recognize

It was my usual day. I woke up earlier than the day before. I brewed my coffee then prepared my stuff for work. It was my daily routine. It wasn’t the most interesting part of my life to be honest. While I was waiting for my coffee I accidentally stood in front of my full body length mirror in the corner. I didn’t realize there was a mirror there since I rarely checked on how I look. I’m more of showering, changing to my work clothes, kissed my kids goodbye, grab my bag then leave the house. It was simple as that. I  weren’t the girly girly type of person to be honest. I’m more of jeans, shirt, running shoes no make up– the plane Jane in me.

But today, it was different. As I looked at the person in front of me, she looked a lot different from the person she used to be years back. She looked like the revived version of herself. She looked fresher, more relaxed and a lot cheerful. I am starting to wonder what magical trance she had been for the last  months. What changes she had in life that made her look better than the person she used to be. It was amazing to see her glow. It was adorable to see her reflecting positive energy. Isn’t that all what she wished for?

She is no longer the person who used to cry even after waking up from a restless night. She is no longer the person who entertained her days with vengeance. She is no longer the person who enjoys solitude and desolation.

She is now the new version of herself .She is now the person whose scars are hard to recognize. She’s now the person who is spirited, strong-willed, and more sensitive to her surrounding. Above all she is now the person who is more lovable and caring.

Whilst we dwell most of the difficult challenges in life, we let the beautiful opportunity past. While we give longer time to wallow and tend to our heart breaks, we forego the chance to heal faster. The longer we let our soul consumed with negativities, we often disregard all the positivities that is just around us.

You see, I wasn’t the most positive person myself. I used to be the negastar of the team. I see bad things in all aspect. It is true, what you have in mind is what you always attract. However, we can’t stay stagnant to the situation. I learnt to let go. I learnt to accept–I have no control over all the shitty stuff I had gone through. But the truth is, I have control over my situation. It has to start within me.

It isn’t easy to recognize oneself that used to be broken once they are healed because people changed. We changed for the better if not the best. The person that you can’t recognize now once who lose hope for everything but they made it. If they did, then you will.

 

F R E E D O M

It has been awhile since I wrote something in this blog. It felt like I had forgotten all about it, however, tonight after having three consecutive days off made my mind restless. Yes, it is an old habit that I’m working on it to make it little restless at times but truth be told, old habit die hard. 

Honestly, I have no idea what to write about. I couldn’t think of any topic since the past months are more of the changes happened seemed to be long due. But I realized, it was something that I must be proud of. Backtracking from the least to the most important events, my first six months of 2019 was what I really considered as one of the most eventful journey I’d ever been.

Life is amazing after all the darkest experience.

Remembering how I used to cry myself to sleep, letting the marks of the tears consume my tired and shattered soul feeling so hopeless and worthless was one of the hardest phase of life I must take. I was close to giving up every  thing–forget that I have two sons who waits for me at night. Losing the courage to wake up again and letting the life to be brought to hell instead. It was a phase that somehow, recalling it tonight still makes me teary but thankful that I didn’t give up, instead, I continued to fight the battle.

Remembering how commute makes me feel the best of life.

It was simply because it is my assurance to myself that yes, I will get over it and soon I am gonna be free. Though my perspective to long commute has been changed nowadays, it didn’t give me any regretful feeling why I have chosen to give space for myself rather than to be consumed by the negativities surrounding me. Really, no matter how much people try to pull me down before, over the past six months, made me the strongest I never thought I could have ever been.

When I met people who had gone through worse yet showed courage to still be the better version of themselves, showed me the fairness of life. At least, not to compare that their life was way better than mine but to adjust to the reality that life had its own way in turning my world upside down even if I feel like resting. It is still a never ending rollercoaster ride. Or a never ending maze that I must find my way out.

It wasn’t an easy way out.

I took my time to finally have my freedom from all the people who manipulated me, controlled me, and never gave me option to live the life I wanted. The saddest part was, it took me a decade to realize that love isn’t about manipulation or having power towards the others. That was the prize of being naive and too nice. Now, I learned. I am not saying that I didn’t make mistake, what I am trying to say is what happened was partly my fault. I simply let the devil conquered my innocent soul but when I learned that it was suffocating me,it was already late. I was totally broken and shattered.

Despite what happened, I still see the good side of every thing. I am now free. I can now decide on my own. I can now live the life I always wanted. I have my own space with my  boys. It is what matters. It may be late, but it isnt the end of it. It is just the beautiful beginning of our freedom.