2018: A year of Learnings and Independence

For decades that I was born and have lived in this world,  I can say that 2018 is the most memorable and most dramatic year for me. I was not just having the good side but most of the downhill part of life.

I am still in awe on how I managed to stand firm and continue to smile despite the gallons and gallons of tears that I have shed.  I genuinely accept how this year was a real rollercoaster for me. Despite every thing that happened, I am still here and have survived it.
In contrary, it wasn’t that bad to loose toxic people to cause you constant pain. With that this year have left me lessons of a lifetime.

I loss my mom. 

Few months back, I loss my mom. It was not an easy journey knowing that someone who has been there for me and who always have shown me the positive side of all negativities had left me with an immense wave of emotions. I couldn’t fathom the enormous feelings that is slowly destroying my whole-being. The struggle of staying positive and taking the courage to continue to move forward is a real test for me. Losing my mom has consumed all my energy of closing every doors of positivity. I am thankful to God and to people who stayed with me in that moments of solitude, I felt love and valued.

I became single mother.

This year really have broke my heart in two different ways. I always call it a double-blade pain. I felt stab countless of times. Losing my mom was painful but continuing my ideal aspect of  family was more painful knowing that every thing is no longer working.  I am very idealistic and this is why I wanted to work things well. It just doesn’t go well at all. I can no longer be selfish for my children. They may not understand it for now, I am hoping for the right time to come, the right age to reach and  to have better understanding of the future.

I saw my worth and value.

I have always put people’s happiness first. I thought that is how it must be. I cared too much to people that matters most to me. Little did I know, I have already forgotten my worth and value. I was so afraid of committing mistakes because I want every thing to be perfect. But no matter how much I try to save someone  from their misery, I can never be the hero of an unwilling soul.  So yes, after doing a lot of back tracking, I realized how I forgot about me. It wasn’t that late. It was the right time to be honest.

I am a survival. 

No matter how hard was it for me to continue life, I have to look at the brighter side of every thing. Yes, I have loss my mom and I became a single mom but that doesn’t make me less of a person. I may have cried gallons and gallons of tears, but it brought me happiness. I may have loss someone whom I thought my partner for every thing, but knowing that I and my children wasn’t his priority is already a relief. It wasn’t late to start over. It wasn’t a mistake to spend some time with people at least the learning is there. My tears for the most of 365 days of 2018 has become a comfort and I find the momentum to continue to become the happy person for myself and my children this time without tears.

#bring it on 2019!

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Wiping off the tears

This year had made me teary almost every day of my life. The devastation of different scenarios left me eyes watery every now and then. I lose people that meant a lot to me and in the process I almost lost my true self.

I often find solace in tears that drips continuously from my eyes. In darkness where no one would ever notice how I am internally shattered. How I managed to smile after all is what I call a miracle.

Not until recently where life changes its direction and I am slowly wiping off the tears I’m shedding. I found that strong encouragement of fighting the proposition that being alone would be the end of a life. That there were no reasons for me to continue to live the life given to me.

It took me a lot of bravery to conquer the solitude and abandonment. I could never imagined how  I managed and to have survived that deep melancholy. That even in the most heartbreaking and hopeless moments of life, there are still lights that will lead to a better understanding of the unfathomable experiences life had thrown me uncontrollably.

I thought every thing will never mean to fall to places where it must be again. But as darkness continue to conquer, there is this magical light that brightens the mind of the fun memory of the past which can be connected to the present and the future. That no matter how much you want to end every thing, you still find a tidbit of hope of fighting back again.

It finally sank in that being broken wouldn’t make me less of a person. I am still blessed that I am capable of seeing the good side after all the bad things that made me silently weep. In that span of time, it gave me that courage to wipe the tears off. It may have been a long journey to let it flow for almost of the 365 days of this year but slowly, the tears is almost dry.

Picking up the broken pieces of someone’s self wasn’t that easy but it is on that oneself to decide whether to continue to things that can’t be controlled or move a step forward. I had chosen the later and honestly, it was way way better than to not forgo all the heartaches. After all, happiness depends on how we visualize things. So yeah, I’ve wiped off the tears I bottled it in for a long time.

 

 

 

Selfless love

Have you ever had fallen in love? Have you ever had that wish to be with someone you had a crush on for a while  and finally get the chance to be together?

Of course every one had fallen in love. Every one is lucky enough to be with the man and woman of their dreams. To feel that butterflies in their stomach when they are close to the people they had a huge crush on or to those that make their knees weak. Funny how can love affect someone so much that it often make someone look vulnerable and weak.

Ironically, if we often get those butterflies with the people we love the most, in the long run it is not all about having a fluttering emotions, it is not all about being overwhelmed of the love we receive from those people. It is all about keeping the fire burning, meeting the end needs of both parties and keeping the faith that love must be carried on no matter what will happen and come next.

However, destiny has its own way  to twist the road of love and make both parties suffer the so called enigma of being in love. You’re lucky if you get away in time but doomed if you let it manipulate you.

Falling in love isn’t all about bending to the rules of someone alone. It is about meeting in between the means and end the twisted truth of challenges and setting things straight and rekindle all the love that you wanted to restore. On the contrary, it wasn’t that easy to do. Often, the result is let go and move forward.

Loving someone selflessly isn’t true love. Love must be both carried out for both parties, it is not one-sided. It is not loving someone yet you cannot love your self alone. Love is about loving yourself first before loving someone else.

I have gained a deal of experience for the past years. I’ve learned that no matter how much I want to save something, I can’t save the world alone. I thought I could change things and be an inspiration but it was something that I didn’t foresee. Something that I  should have paid attention to in the beginning. I am not regretting it came this far, I’m regretting I should have listened to those who cared. It only proved love isn’t like as charity–it must not be given freely but it has to be given to the one who deserved it.

The hand I used to Hold

Have you ever had people whom you used to depend on? People whom you believe they will always be there in your worst and at your best? When the world was all about the opportunities it offers and when the time for it to turn you upside down?

Of course, countless of times, life will give you a twist to make you take a turn that could lead to an experience you would never want to go back to. Or maybe it could twist you to a better position where you can appreciate and give  value to what it has to offer either this is good or bad.

Remembering the time while I was growing up, I used to lean to people whom I always consider as the source of my every thing. When I say every thing, I meant my life depends on them. Looking back, I now realized how I used to not value that moment. I let it slip throw my fingers and never paid much attention to how I broke their hearts.

However, no matter how I ignored their importance, I came to a conclusion that they never let my hand go no matter what. They never let go of my hands no matter how much I wanted to be freed from their strong grip.  They stayed with me all the time until they were sure I was ready to deal with the shitty life outside my comfort zone.

I never understood them. Not once that I recognized the signs of security they provided me. Admittedly, I took it the other way around. I became rebellious in return. I really wanted my freedom. I ended up not even obeying them to an extent. However, I wish they would let me go, they clung on me. They never gave up on me even a single bit.  At the end, I was great they never did. If they ever did, I may not know what I would have become. I wouldn’t be who I am now if it wasn’t for them.

I still have one of the hand I used to hold. Those hands who guided me despite my stubbornness. Although the other hand is already gone, it still give me smile to how they used to be always there for me. I still wish to cling on that other hand these days. The hand that belongs to my mom. I miss her every single day. I know it is nonsense to sometimes wait for Monday to come and wait for a call, but there is still this emptiness that continues to lingers in my heart.

I wish to hold her hands once. Even just in my dream. But honestly, it has been months, but she never appeared  in my dreams. The memories that I want to keep. The memories that I am trying to remember. If only I could turn back time, to those moments that I let it slipped,  I would gladly go back even just for seconds.  No matter how broken I am to wish to go back to those moments, I fully know that it will never happen.  I may have used to hold my mothers hand, I still wish to hold it though, but it is also time to slowly step forward.

 

Time to Ask God (TAG)

When we are struggling or our faith is being put to test, we tend to go to the people we thought who are our friends. We tend to run to them, cry over their shoulders and share how broken we felt. It is simply because we trusted them wholeheartedly. We run to them because we believe they will be with us throughout our difficult times.  Well, those who are true to you will stay, and that is for sure.

But have you tried diverting it? Have you tried looking at a different person whom you can trust more than those people who seemed to willingly listen to you while at the back of their heads; they already are fabricating your story?

Admittedly, this is what I call common mistake often people make. Running and trusting the wrong person. I am not saying that I don’t trust my friends but there is always a point where they won’t be there for you. There will be a point in time where all you get is yourself alone to continue to fight your battle. It is something I learned for the past years.

Honestly, I used to run to people whom I thought are true to me. I did let them know my heart breaking story and all. Most of them respected me but some back stabbed me. Even those whom I even considered a family; they were the ones who hurt me the most. Again, it is the irony of life. Those, whom I thought mattered to me the most, hurt me cruelly.

However, I wish to throw them the blame; I realized it was me who ran to them. It was me who never considered the possibility of the future. Again, whatever mistake was done, I learned from them. I consider one of the greatest learning I had from my failed relationship to overcoming it while picking the broken pieces was– I forgot to run to GOD.

I ran to different direction. I ran to different people, but I never thought first of running to God. I never took into consideration that maybe if I ran first to God, I didn’t get too broken. But it has been done. After all, it wasn’t God whom I have to blame, it was an action that I did only later I perceive that running to God than any other thing is the most incomparable way I should have done first.

I should have tried asking God first. I should have ventured all my worries to God not to those whom I trusted yet left me high and low. Despite all of the heart breaking circumstances I went through, I learned my lessons. A lesson of a life time that there is only whom I can trust fully without back stabbing me.  I am thankful to those who stick around, and thank more those who made the blood drip and add to the heartaches.  It wasn’t too late to know who should I ask–I did try to Ask God this time.

 

 

Until then… My mom’s 40 days in Heaven

If only I could count backwards–from the day you were diagnosed to the days where no illnesses and just good health and work, I would have done it for the past forty days. If only I could continue to believe that it didn’t happen, I could have counted more than the first forty days since you departed from this world forever.

I honestly don’t know what to say but to continue to whisper a prayer for you. I pray for comfort for us and the people who miss your presence. For the past forty days, I admittedly had wished to see your smiling face. But even if I force myself into deep slumber whenever I close my eyes, I never had that chance of seeing you even just in my dream.

Hence, the pain of losing you continues and I wonder when will it heal. Nonetheless, our life must go on. I know it’s what you wished us to do. Although my tears still fall whenever I hear your favourite songs, when I come across your favourite bible verses, and when I am reminded of what day of the week it is, etc that is how it is now.

Sometimes, I literally would look for signs telling that you are here with me and my siblings, but you are quite good and selfish for not letting me feel it. I ain’t angry because I know you want me to move on. You want me to be happy and accept that life is always like this. Death is certain and inevitable to eveyone’s life. Even then, deep within my shattered heart longs to hold you and keep you near.

I miss you every day, Ma. I love you!

I miss you, Ma. I’ve known it that you are going to leave anytime of the week the day I last spoke to you, but my soul hopes to not let you go yet. I know I am selfish for struggling to close my eyes at night or to wish to see and hear you again. I just find it hard. But don’t worry, time will heal me fully. I just don’t know when because my heart is still broken. I am sorry for that one thing you wished me to do. One thing that I thought I could still restore. I am sure I had given everything I could, it just didn’t work.

My heart may still be shattered but I can tell you that I will eventually heal. Even if it is not that easy, I will try my best to do what’s best for the family. I’ll try my best, Ma. Please enjoy your life where you are at now. I know you are happier serving the Lord. Until we meet again, Ma. Be our angel Ma–for me, my siblings and papa. We love you. We miss you. Until we meet again.

Emptiness

Losing a mother is more than the pain of  a heart break from a lover. You can feel the inevitable pain. A pain that cuts deep within your heart that no one can cure and explain.

Few days ago, I lost my mom. It was supposed to be expected since the update I kept on receiving the moment she was rushed to the hospital wasn’t getting any better. However, my heart keeps on believing that she wasn’t going to go yet and that she will continue to hang on as she had done before. Stubborn as it may sound, I continued to believe that she will still make it again. I have this remaining one-percent hope that she is not going to go yet.

Indeed, my mom went without me near her. Although I have said my goodbye and made sure to let her know that I love her, it feels like it was still different to see her breathed her last breathe.

However I wish to be there the moment she departed from this world, circumstances have made me to see her later on her wake. This left me with the feeling of being torn between sadness and happiness.

I am happy that her sufferings has ended and I know that she’s happier now with our Creator. I am sad for the fact that I won’t be hearing her voice, her advises and most of all to see her with my mortal eyes and to hug her physically.

The emptiness and longing for someone who occupied almost of my being is unbearable. I wish to hug her again. I wish to hold her again. I wish to hear her say, “how are you?” I wish to hear her say “thank you for helping me for my chemotherapy and medicine”. I know that the help I gave her wasn’t big enough to compensate all the distance I have away from her but hearing her over the phone every Mondays and Fridays gave me the hope of her getting better soonest.  I have seen how she fought cancer. I have witnessed how she bravely bear all the pains. But God’s plan is beyond my understanding.

I have a lot of wishes for my mom. Wishes that now are going to remain as they are. I am glad that despite the fact that my heart feels so empty, I have done my part as her daughter to support her in any way I could. I wish that she stayed longer and fought more, but that is going to be a selfish request of me.

I feel empty at the moment. I miss everything about my mother. How she scolds me when I am too strict to my children. How she would constantly remind me to always remain humble even when people try to drag me down.

I miss how she reminded me of serving the Lord. I miss how she constantly nag me about my being so independent and all.

I’m missing the person who had great impact  and influence in my life. Someone who had been with me althroughout my journey good or bad. Someone who was there to lift me in my worse and cheers with me at my best.

I’m missing the person who had been my first teacher. Someone who always believed in me. I miss my mother. I miss the only person who knew if something is wrong with me. I miss her so much. I feel so empty without her.