For decades that I was born and have lived in this world, I can say that 2018 is the most memorable and most dramatic year for me. I was not just having the good side but most of the downhill part of life.
I am still in awe on how I managed to stand firm and continue to smile despite the gallons and gallons of tears that I have shed. I genuinely accept how this year was a real rollercoaster for me. Despite every thing that happened, I am still here and have survived it.
In contrary, it wasn’t that bad to loose toxic people to cause you constant pain. With that this year have left me lessons of a lifetime.
I loss my mom.
Few months back, I loss my mom. It was not an easy journey knowing that someone who has been there for me and who always have shown me the positive side of all negativities had left me with an immense wave of emotions. I couldn’t fathom the enormous feelings that is slowly destroying my whole-being. The struggle of staying positive and taking the courage to continue to move forward is a real test for me. Losing my mom has consumed all my energy of closing every doors of positivity. I am thankful to God and to people who stayed with me in that moments of solitude, I felt love and valued.
I became single mother.
This year really have broke my heart in two different ways. I always call it a double-blade pain. I felt stab countless of times. Losing my mom was painful but continuing my ideal aspect of family was more painful knowing that every thing is no longer working. I am very idealistic and this is why I wanted to work things well. It just doesn’t go well at all. I can no longer be selfish for my children. They may not understand it for now, I am hoping for the right time to come, the right age to reach and to have better understanding of the future.
I saw my worth and value.
I have always put people’s happiness first. I thought that is how it must be. I cared too much to people that matters most to me. Little did I know, I have already forgotten my worth and value. I was so afraid of committing mistakes because I want every thing to be perfect. But no matter how much I try to save someone from their misery, I can never be the hero of an unwilling soul. So yes, after doing a lot of back tracking, I realized how I forgot about me. It wasn’t that late. It was the right time to be honest.
I am a survival.
No matter how hard was it for me to continue life, I have to look at the brighter side of every thing. Yes, I have loss my mom and I became a single mom but that doesn’t make me less of a person. I may have cried gallons and gallons of tears, but it brought me happiness. I may have loss someone whom I thought my partner for every thing, but knowing that I and my children wasn’t his priority is already a relief. It wasn’t late to start over. It wasn’t a mistake to spend some time with people at least the learning is there. My tears for the most of 365 days of 2018 has become a comfort and I find the momentum to continue to become the happy person for myself and my children this time without tears.
#bring it on 2019!