Learning in the midst of Brokenness

We all go through heartbreaks–can be minimal and or those we call hitting the rock bottom big time. As we continue to wallow on the pains we had for days, weeks, months or even years, we come to a conclusion that break ups or loses cause us emotional disturbances. There are times we question our decisions. Moments where we reminisce of the sacrifices we made but still end up brokenhearted.

Do we deserve this? Was it worth all the effort we’ve done? Did we do our best while with the person involve? Were we distracted with our priorities– dream work, plans for the future, etc.

Or we end things because no matter how much we tried harder, the result we keep on getting is still the same. Or did we put so much perfection and expectation that we forgot that the person we are involved with is just merely human like us who can make mistakes without realizing it.

When we are brokenhearted we often focus on the other side of the story. We do not usually recognize our participation to why it happened in the beginning. We point most the fingers to the person involve because we are so full of anguish, revenge and dwell much on the pain we are going through. But have we ever thought at least once that things happened because we are part of it?

As we continue to dwell on the why’s and the how’s, we came to a point and slowly realize that yes, we have made this and that mistakes, too not the other person alone. We have forgotten that we have been in that situation and because we allowed it, the blame is on the other person solely. But little did we know that our time and effort with dwelling to that situation has caused it too.

While we recognize the pain we caused the other person, accepting it is somehow difficult. Acceptance is a process and so as with healing and forgiveness. We forgive the person who caused us pain, but we shouldn’t forget to forgive ourselves, too. Self love, healing and forgiveness is the first step towards forgiving the people who caused us the pain. It is the start of the lessons we are learning.

Although it will never be an easy journey to accept, to forgive and to move on, the value of time and effort will help you to bring back the good thoughts we once lost. We are going to learn to love our self more. We are going to respect our self more. We are going to forgive and accept our self more.

Digging deeper to who we really are is already a learning while we are mending our brokenness. There is good opportunity to learn our more about who we are while we are healing. Rather than we continue to wallow and hate, use it as the beginning to learn more about who we are. To start anew is what matters, We will not grow when we do not make mistakes. We won’t learn anything new when we do not fail.

Realistically speaking, life is about failing and bouncing back. Our life will be stagnant if there were no heartbreaks, failures and pains. It won’t be as exciting to live and there were no such things to look forward too if all we want is easy to achieve. We may fail, get hurt, and broken in different aspects of life, our common ground is–we learn from it.

Sponsored Post Sponsored Post Menu More Info Learn from the experts: Create a successful blog with our brand new courseThe WordPress.com Blog

WordPress.com is excited to announce our newest offering: a course just for beginning bloggers where you’ll learn everything you need to know about blogging from the most trusted experts in the industry. We have helped millions of blogs get up and running, we know what works, and we want you to to know everything we know. This course provides all the fundamental skills and inspiration you need to get your blog started, an interactive community forum, and content updated annually.

Register now

2020: Appreciation

The first two weeks of my 2020 was full of planned activities for my boys, for career progression, etc.  My life plan for the whole of 2020 is laid which I don’t normally do to be honest. But 2020 excites me to think ahead.  I feel like 2020 has a lot to offer and to look forward to–witnessing my boys graduation, spending their summer somewhere, discovering and exploring this and that, etc.  

Last January, I was on a road-trip to Pampanga. It was the first ever caravan for the 2020 and I was one of the pioneers of setting off for a road trip. I was scheduled to work there with the team for ten days. It was also during that time when the Taal Volcano erupted. It was one of the most frustrating moment happened in my life since I am not around my kids. I am away from them and they are just with their nanny. I was feeling helpless for the boys in case worse happened and I was not there for them.

I have realized during that time how important it is to always be near my boys plus being one hell paranoid single mother doesn’t help to ease my frustration. Although, I am confident that the nanny will not abandon them however, I know that that me being near them will be much different. Of course I have no control over the disasters that could occur anytime. January is already an eventful month for me. From the eruption of the Taal volcano to the forest fire raze, earthquakes here and there that happened in either later weeks of January to early weeks of February, etc.

Despite those uncontrollable events and disasters that happened, I still continued to live a normal life. I am sure most people did the same thing. Life must go on after all. However, the shock of the world came in when Covid-19 became the world pandemic. This definitely changed the lives of people globally. March came and the world almost stopped. Establishments started shutting down. People are required to stay home for the lockdown to be safe from the unseen enemy. We are reminded of the value of hand washing, social distancing and keeping clean and healthy to protect ourselves from getting infected. In short, health became everyone’s top priority. Which is great, right?

So, mid-week of March when lockdown was declared but without being told up to when we are to stay this way. Changes slowly kicking in, even to the lives of children–whom for me are the most affected ones. I have seen how my kids transitioned to going to the playground, moving, running here and there, etc. We have limited all access to allowing them to socialize with their classmates or playmates. A month has passed and my boys are still okay. But when it went far from four months of being locked in the house — cabin fever kicked in. It is hard to let them understand that pandemic is there and because of that you are still not allowed to go out, etc. Yes, they understood the concept because I explained them in scary way so they will be more aware of the danger the virus could cause their lives. However, them being active human beings cannot be cooped in longer inside the house– is slowly wearing them out.

It will never be an easy journey. I am not complaining but this abrupt change we are experiencing now made me feel a lot more challenged. It is fine to deal with all of the changes– it is normal. However, there was this point where I started questioning my ability to understand, to survive, or fear is overlapping more than all of the positiveness that I have. For the past six months, I must admit that I started experiencing a sleep disorder, anxiety is starting to kick in and the fear of not surviving is bothersome. I am glad to be alive and healthy for the past six months. I am grateful for the grace of God to be with my sons and of knowing that those people who are important to me are healthy. However, I mourned for my relatives whom I didn’t get to see, give my proper goodbye and even proper funeral as respect to them since being in the pandemic had prevented every possible way to do so. These kind of events somehow made me value the time I have right now. Nothing really is permanent and life is too short to live by to be honest.

As I am to recall how I have survived the past six months, I am praying that I have to thrive for the remaining three months and two weeks left for the year 2020. I am praying that this pandemic will end soon and that the world will survive this. It is too much to bear, but it is a learning of a lifetime that one must look back to in the future and feel grateful to still be one of the people thrived through it. I am trying my best to keep holding on, to stay strong because I have got no one to be there for me, but I have got two boys leaning from me. I am writing this to remind myself that I will get through this, or every one in the world with get through this.  I know I have asked myself if I am still okay, I am unsure of how I feel earlier, now I am much clearer of how I feel. I realized that it is okay not to feel okay. How I feel is valid. It is normal to get tired, but not giving up matters the most. This reminds me of a line from a friend who used to say: Thank God; I am alive and not dead.

Self-affirmation

It has been six months since the pandemic had changed the lives of the people globally. Establishments shut down, people losing jobs slowly, economic crisis happened every where. Health became the most precious thing we learned to value the most. All of us are encouraged to were mask, observe social distancing, and become more responsible of our actions. These changes had forced us all to adapt to what we now call “the new normal”.

Amidst the changes we all are facing, the pandemic taught us to appreciate what we now have. We have seen families being reunited, spent more quality time with the poeple who mattered to us, reconnected to our old schoolmates, classmates, friends which we never heard from before, etc. It taught us to give importance to the present. We all are focused on what future will be, I must admit, I am one of those. I have always planned for the future but rarely value my present time. I almost forgot to live my gift and that is the present time which is great, though.

However, as I continue to recognize the good and bad of the pandemic brought to my life and my sons, I have to constantly  remind myself of the positive side. Hence, the challenge of it somehow is unbearable. I have to convince myself every time I open my eyes that I am alive, that I am fine, that I won’t get sick. I have fear for my boys and with that continues update of the increasing cases of COVID-19, my heart aches for the safety of my love ones. I fear for them and their future. 

I have experienced sleepless nights. I have cried myself for hours. The worse, is the fear to share what I am going through because I don’t want to share the burden to anyone. I know mostof my friends are going throigh the same shit. I have made myself available to them, listened to their pains and anguish, in which sharing my thoughst would make them feel bad. I choose to set aside my personal struggles. Because I choose to be strong for them. I choose to listen to my sons dreams when things get better, so and so. I had choosen to take it to the level that I will only understand. 

Other than being available for others need, I realized that I need myself for my own need. I need self-affirmation. I have to believe that I am here for myself, too. It is not shameful to know that I am available for myself. Since then, I looked for ways to cope with my anxiety. I used motivational video and speeches whenever I am close to losing hope. I listen to daily devotions, songs that help me fall  asleep, etc. Shifting my negavtive thoughts to positive ones can be hard. But again, nothing is unachievable to a determined soul. 

  Despite the challenges, struggles as single mom like me is going though especially nowadays, self-affirmation helped me a lot. I learned that affirming myself that I am capable of doing every thing helped me feel a lot better. As long as God’s giving me the chance of opening my eyes the next day is one of the things I look forward to. My comfort is knowing that I am with my sons healthy and safely. When I realized that self-affirmation is necessary, I have valued myself more. 

 

 

 

Emotional Abondonment: Is there such a thing?

The outbreak of Covid-19 wasn’t really that of a big deal for me back in December last year. Like others, I didn’t take it as an alarming case. I lived my life to what  I call the ordinary days. I go to work every day, I do my day to day routine, spend more time with my boys especially after my road trip, etc.

However, every thing changed when March 13 came. It was the day of the declaration of community lockdown of the National Capital Region. Oddly, I wasn’t in Manila during that time. I was on a roadtrip to Cabanatuan with my team. Most of us were deployed everywhere in Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao to be honest. Although we were everywhere, gladly, our managers made it on time to pull out all the set ups and aborted the operation which is supposed to be for ten days.

All happened too quick that our minds are set to going back to the city before the total lockdown. During those times, it didn’t daunt on me what will happen after this. I took it lightly. I believed, it is pandemic and of course, our safety matters. However, after a week being at home and most of the establishments started closing down, that was when reality started sinking in.

I started forming questions that maybe someone can answer or maybe not. Maybe what I am feeling is the same with the others or even worst especially to people who depends to their monthly pay check. It is hard to estimate on how long will the pandemic would be and how long will this small amount of savings last. The first three weeks was fine. I tried avoiding social media unless I want to talk to my siblings who were abroad. Or unless, I need to check on the update on how many have been infected, so and so. I am mostly online on viber since it was the main source of communication we use to get updates from our managers and that’s it.

To cut it short, I tried everything I can to tone down the negativities to the best I can. However, it is inevitable to ignore what is happening around me. I realized, the more I ignore what is happening,  the higher I am entertaining the fear of the unknown. Psychologically speaking, I am developing that tones of “what if’s again.  But I tried to be strong. I have two boys with me who kept on asking when will this virus be gone so that this lockdown will be over soon.

Nevertheless, no matter how much I tried  ignoring the fear I am feeling, I am starting to go on a night without sleeping and just there staring in the absence of light. I stayed late in bed unless, I have to attend the team meeting. I didn’t entertain the fear and my sleepless night is disturbing me.  I am slowly becoming pessimist of the situation. I am loosing the hope that things will get better. In short, I ignored the fears of losing everything. I bottled in everything and I am slowly loosing the grip of holding on.

However, I am grateful it didn’t get to the depressing point since it just came in time that our Human Resources personnel started doing workshop and training on mental stability during this difficult times. It is painful to ignore and masquarade your emotions, instead, we were encourage to voice it out. We were given suggestions to talk to people and share how we feel. What had been bothering us– how our mental state while we were on lockdown, etc. We were trained to divert the negative situation into the positive side on why we were experiencing this and that.

It is helpful to be able to share your thoughts to people who would be there to listen to it whether these are good or bad. Expressing them to someone who will be there to just let you pour that emotion will help release the developing anxiety. It maybe hard to find someone whom you can comfortably express how you feel, but what I learned so far was–never abondon the fears, the anxiety and the depression. Healing is a matter of acknowledging you have this kind of emotion. Seek for the help of professionals if needed. If it isn’t the worse, then, talk to your closest friend/s who would listen to you.  They will be there for you because they care. No pretenses needed. Just voice it out. The more you abondon that emotion, the higher the chance of not being able to conquer it.

 

 

 

 

 

Weaknesses

I am posting something  in hopes that men and women out there would learn to realize their worth and value. Someone that is close to me triggered me to write this. I hope she’ll find this link when I publish it and would know to value her worth.

Heartbreak is inevitable. It is something that both men and women all go through. Although it comes in different ways and in many forms, it is guaranteed that while you are broken, there are also countless of ways to get over it and eventually move on.

I’m writing based from the observation people had gone through. I am not relationship expert as my love life used to be complicated, however, I am given or even gifted with an irony that those who were broken tend to run to me for advice. I don’t decide on their behalf but I allow them to find the solution on their own, instead.

Why break ups tend to make us weak? Why it hurt us so bad that even lead us to even end our life? For reasons I can’t fathom for others, it angers me to hear people saying I am tired of my life and want to end the pain right now.

Yes, it hurts so bad that it makes our heart numb, it changes us to be the best version of ourselves– to have revenge over someone that is involved.  For the past days as I observe people who cry over their failed relationship, it came to me that few are the common mistakes we make to experience the same. Only the degree of pain is different. So why I believe weaknesses destroys our sanity?

We became weak when we get hurt. We lost control of ourselves. We focus only on the pain. We believe we don’t deserve the pains. Yes, you have the right to be angry. You have the right to feel defeated. I have been there. I’ve been hurt countless of times. I have failed relationship, too. I used to be weak as well. We have all the right to feel all those in the spur of time.

However, I have a counter act. I am responsible why I am feeling this right now. Why I feel so broken of my failed relationship? Perhaps I myself didn’t believe in the first place that it is not going to work or it is not going to last. It is simple as I didn’t put my TRUST fully. I only focused myself on the bad side that I saw. You see, I was in a constant battle on how it is going to end. Well, I didn’t believe and it was what I’ve attract. And yes, I had a failed relationship. We cannot blame just the other person. Maybe we had given our ALL. But maybe we didn’t accept that the other person isn’t perfect. That I must have accepted the fact that I myself have my own evil side. While I have seen what must have I done, it was too late for me to restore it. I’ve lost it anyway. 

While I have gone through pain in different ways, what I am trying to do is to rescue people who are close to me to not go through the same path. I am giving them advises and preventing them from getting hurt. But I keep forgetting  that they have their free will to do what they want. I guess it became my weakness to not see people breakdown and cry in front of me. I became so vulnerable of pains. It makes me angry and sad. But I’ve also learned that they will not learn their lesson from my mistakes but from their own.

We may have those weaknesses. We may have our down moments. Remember that in every coins you have, there is always the other side to look at it. If we have our weaknesses, remember that you also have your strength.

When you believed you are over something and You Had

Have you ever thought of something that used to be your reasons to smile?

Have you ever thought of moments that used to make you feel like you are in the ninth heaven?

Have you ever thought of those simple gestures that made you want to freeze the moment and never want to move to the next level?

Of  course you did.  If you had those moments in life and while you enjoy those memorable events that gave you romantic excitement, there were those moments that you wished you never had gone through.

There were also those times where you had hoped you never met someone whom you used to cherish but gave you reasons to hate the world.

For so many reasons, we, humans aren’t spared of getting hurt and being happy. Life is like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes, you are happy at the top of your lungs while often, you are down to deepest hole of darkness.

We experience different shades of brokenness. We loss people that matters to us–loved ones, friends, relatives and brake ups. While we are succumbed with sadness,  often we have different reactions to how we are going to move on and how are going to deal with it.

While I had gone through both break up and losing someone that mattered most to me in the past year, I was left with this question. When I believed I was over something but NOT.

It just came to me abruptly. How would I say I was over my break up and had moved on?

1. I can talk about it without in tears.

Admittedly, I am strongly emotional. I easily cry over things. I cry over the sad story of someone else’s, of the break up of someone else’s. I always let myself feel what the experience of someone is and that is how I connect to them. That’s how I understand them. Yes, I am blunt and straight forward but my respect to people is high.

When I went through that same experience, I allowed myself to cry. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and made myself understand the pain I’m going through. I accepted the fact that I have no control over the matter. I taught myself to move on and accept that fact that things happen for reasons. Lastly,  I managed to talk to it now smiling not crying.  I believe I am healing gracefully.

2. I can talk to the person involved without sounding sarcastic.

To be honest, breaking up with kids involve is harder than the common break ups for boyfriend’s and girlfriend’s. Why did I say that where in fact both situation goes through the same emotional pain? When you broke up as bf or gf’s, you only focus on your personal pain. You focus on healing alone while having the kids involved means forgetting about your pain but focus on helping the most vulnerable people involved in healing. While you make sure your kids won’t feel the most painful experience at a very young age, you have to be strong in front of them.

Not only that, time will come they’ll ask you when they can talk to their father or mother. In my case, I allowed them to talk to their dad. I didn’t teach them to hate him despite the situation they are in. They knew what broken family is but they don’t feel like they are broken because I made sure they are complete. ❤

3.  I forgive BUT I don’t forget.

I give chances and I’m generous of the word forgiveness however, I don’t forget how I was treated. How I was hurt and how I learned the lessons from the painful experiences. Seriously speaking, I preferred cutting ties with someone rather than pretend to be okay while being broken in the inside. That’s not moving on is for me. Moving on is not taking the person back in my life. I may have given the chance to talk to that person again but it doesn’t mean I’m taking that person back again. Maybe, I would have just considered that that person is human and still exist. 🙂

4. I don’t play a VICTIM.

If I get hurt, I vent and rant. I’ll give the same amount of pain. Maybe when the wound is fresh, I try to hate but not to the extent of believing I didn’t have any participation. I tend to over think and over analyzed.

When my anger subsides, I have to ask myself why it happened and how it happened. When realization hit me, I know I am part of the failure. 🙂 I got hurt but never a victim of how terrible things were. I accept that once, I was part of it. 🙂

So why continue to blame someone of the experiences you have had if most of the time you’re part of it? Why not teach yourself to accept the FACT that being once in a relationship is an involvement of two parties not a single one?

Admittedly, acceptance is the hardest part when you are in pain but truth be told, acceptance is also your key in healing. If you accept, you learn to forgive not that person but you forgive yourself that once in your journey you failed but you managed to bounce back not just tiny but BIG TIME!

Having said that, I am proud to say I have been broken countless times but is healing happily.

Gratefulness

 

It wasn’t too long ago when I was succumbed with the idea of ending everything–the painful memories, the hatred, the grievances, and the creepiest was to end my life too. I came to that darkest point of life. Where hope has become numb and the idea of continuing to live is out of line already.

It was never easy to seize every opportunity of opening my eyes and see the beauty of breathing. I felt that it was all useless. As I drag myself  out from my bed each day, I also continue to plot on how to end things easily. However, I as am to plot evil things for myself, I started meeting people who cares.

I didn’t know I was already going through depression. All I know was, I was going through some shit of life and that the only option I had left was to end my life. You see, those who are even around us cannot tell if we are sick especially when we do the same routine each day.

I only knew I was sick when someone asked me if I was okay. But with his probing , it encourages me to open up. It took me time to realize what he was trying to do. Admittedly, I was slowly distracted to the plot of ending my life, instead, I was realigned into bringing myself closer to God.

Little by little, I met spiritual people who helped me get through. I even attended counseling programs, had the chance to spoke to people I could seek help with. The stigma in this country is when you are sick, you are crazy. It is why these days, suicidal rate is increasing. People who are going through something– depression, anxiety disorders, etc don’t just seek for attention. They need help. They need healing. So why don’t be the person who will understand them, the person who is willing to listen to them.

Why I am writing this today? Why I am sharing this too personal that should be kept in the box? My answer is simple. I am not proud of how things were in my life few years back. How devastated I used to. How I thought I can win all the trials alone. How independent I am would allow me to surpass everything without anyone’s help. It was who I am. I don’t talk about me, the more I stop talking, the higher the chance of me losing everything–even my sanity.

To begin with, it is nice to be vulnerable,devastated, weak, or independent. But is not shameful either to learn to share how you feel. It isn’t a measurement of friendship and honesty if you open up to the people who understand you. As I look back to how my life was three years ago to today, it creeps me out knowing that I could have been dead from then. I’m indeed blessed and loved by God by bringing in people who helped me get through it.

Although everything isn’t easy, I slowly see the beauty of evey challenges. I am grateful to the people who stayed with me. Those people who continue to believe in me. Those people who encourages me to do better and see the best in me. Those people who taught me to be gentle to myself. Those people who encourages me to take things slow and treat my life as an opportunity and a blessing. I already know what they’ve been telling me, but being reminded how beautiful it is to live is one thing I am grateful for.

I am still a work in progress and I am confident to say I am healing happily. I am grateful of all the tears I’ve shed and been shedding, to all the rejections and disappointments and most of all, I am grateful of my life. The chance to be with my love ones is an opportunity God has been giving me. I’ve had a lot to be grateful for. Thank you Lord for keeping me strong.

 

 

Different Life’s Mantra

In life, we always start from a single step. A step that will either lead us to the right path or to the path that will test us on how we pass the challenges. Often, we take that easy route believing that everything isn’t going to be uncomplicated.

Ironically, life often surprises us with  struggles. Struggles that strengthen us or break us. To be honest, no matter how careful we are to live our life, there will always come a time that life knocks us down.

You see, there are no easy or perfect ways to live our life. There will never be a moment that you are spared of the struggles so you can live a better one. What is important is how you conquer it and how you have learned the lessons either the easy or the hard ways.

In that sense, you can never compare your life to someone else. You can never say that someone is having all the best while yours is the worst. You cannot be envious if someone can buy new stuff every other month or every after six months, etcetera, etcetera. We live our lives differently. We had our different priorities. You may not know whenever you feel that that someone is having the best time, that someone may have been thinking  that yours is better than theirs.

Remember,  we have different ways in dealing with challenges, problems, struggles, whatever you call it.  There are times when we want to shut down everything and forget we existed or to end the suffering right there but for others they would enjoy conquering it. It is simply because they believe the victory is sweeter. They believe that if they keep going and continue to fight, things will get better and everything g shall pass.

Individual differences makes us human. It is up to us on how we view everything. If we are to see everything as problem, then we are attracting problems to come in our life. But if we view everything into challenges that needs understanding and acceptance, it is easier to deal with it.

The way we see things help us to easily figure out solution. To see the good side of every problem. To believe in our ability that we can go through everything and it will eventually pass. That we will eventually heal the wounds of brokenness and heartbreaks. Eventually, we will have that smile back in our faces again. We will soon find the solution to the problem and our success is within our reach. 

I know it isn’t as easy with how I state it. But honestly, it was  how I did to conquer my darkest moments. I have been there. I have been to that side no one would ever want to know. I have been broken countless of times. I’ve loss almost everything but what I am proud of these days was how I made it. How I managed to drag myself to get out from the dark side wasn’t easy at all. It was a process. Healing is a process. Forgiving is a process. It never happen over night. Don’t worry, don’t over think. But the first step is to learn to love yourself. Learn to accept your well-being. Most importantly, learn to forgive yourself.

Take note, you are not doing all of these for the people who hurt you but for yourself. Accept that in every situation you played a certain role. You cannot blame just one person without you being part of it. Logically speaking, you get hurt because you allowed it to happen. Also, those experiences  strengthen us and leave us lesson of a life.

As life is a trial and error, learn to choose the path better if you could or you can still choose to always test the waters since is a wonderful adventure.  Go ahead and live your life in a more exciting way. What matters, always embrace the result of everything. If your fail again, pick yourself up and continue to move forward. Every time you overcome something don’t forget to tap your shoulder and remind yourself of how wonderful you have been.

 

 

When How’s and Why’s became difficult to answer

When young minds started discovering stuff around them, they started wondering about the what’s, the how’s and a lot of the why’s. They are curious about many things which also means, they need proper explanation to every thing.

Why it is important to let the young minds know the exact words for  everything, this is to simply avoid confusion. It is better that they know what it is for, how it is made, why is it dangerous, etc.

Remembering how decades ago’s environment was way different from nowadays, how learning’s and mindsets are more advanced these days which aides more to the early discoveries of the curious minds of the youngs.

As children continue to explore and learn, it is a definite that they will bombard you to the “how’s and why’s of life. Whether these are about toys, to dangers, or to further understanding of why their parents need to split or why their parents need to live in two different houses.

Why it became a challenge for me to answer their how’s and why’s? It is for me to make sure they didn’t lose any of the two. It is difficult to explain in a way that it won’t let their minds question even their existence. The few of the questions my boys asked me were:

How can we see our father again?

This was  their question when they realized we had our own place. When we moved out, they thought they will only be on their summer vacation. But since they are smart though young, I told them they will meet their father once things are a bit better. When bitterness subsides a little. As a mother, it is one of the heartbreaking scene to ever see and a devastating feeling that no mother would ever let her kids feel. Nonetheless, it was a choice of being in chaos or keeping the distance and letting the kids experience what reality meant. To give them peace of mind, I assured them, they will see their father whenever we have available time.

Why our family is broken?

My boys voice out whatever opinion they have. At a very young age, I never question how intellectually gifted they are to observe and understand what is going on around them. When they asked me this question, I told them that in one of the circumstances family experiences, sometimes parents do not come to terms. And if that happens, sometimes they’d rather be friends outside relationship rather than to be in a relationship. Which is something still they don’t fully understand. It is complicated as it sound but assuring them that no matter what, they have a father and a mother who they can run to.

Why you didn’t get marry?

I cannot say because I don’t want to which it is true but because I don’t want to plant an image that marriage is not important, I have to make sure that will understand. Marriage for me is a choice. You can choose to tie the knot or you can choose to be in love and never tie the knot.

How did you make us? Did you ever love our father?

A question that rocked my mind. It was too early to discuss such question as this since they are only 6 and 7years old. But to the concept of babies are made when two grown ups love each other and they live in one house?? That’s how family started. It is formed with love. Only again, an unpredictable experience changed your circumstances.  It is a very complicated question for me to answer. I don’t want them to feel they are a mistake because they never were and are the most precious gift ever.

 

F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S

Life is like a math. Sometimes there are problems that are easy to solve, often, are the hardest. No matter what, it all takes that one bit of courage to conquer it. It has to be balance and in doing that, you gotta find that tiny solution. However, don’t expect to much or you get disappointed. Don’t get complacent or you’ll never get what you ever wanted. The hidden tricks to every struggle is within us. It is a matter of connecting the dots, coming out of the maze, and putting the pieces of the puzzle together yet between those, are some tricky ways for us to make it happen but it will always leave a lesson of a life time. 

I’ve never imagined how boring life must have been when those struggles weren’t part of my survival. I couldn’t be more grateful of the tests and bumps that I’ve all encountered to make me the strongest woman I’ve never thought I could become. Truth be told, it wasn’t all easy. It wasn’t like a piece of cake served in a silver platter. It left me the value of working hard, of appreciating every moment of waking each day that as long as I’m given the chance to see the light after my long hours of sleep at night and be with my love ones– I’m blessed. Few of the things I’ve actually balanced just my thought as realizations are:

Forgiveness

To be able to love oneself, you must forgive yourself. It is easy to say but doing it is a challenge. There are factors that I must consider both inner and outside. Think of those that make you feel bad and those that affects your inner peace and those that can distract you when you see them. I remember how my mentors used to say– mind over matters or what you think is what you attract. Admittedly, I used to see negativities every where and I also think negatively and the result always frustrates me. But one of my friend once said, do you see how gentle you are to your kids? Why not try to be gentle to yourself? I know you want to achieve this and that all at once, but remember that it is a process. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt that you are better and you can do it.

I learned to step back. I learned to forgive myself from pushing it hard, the thought of failing each step, instead I started to love myself. I started to become gentle for myself. I’m still in the process of doing it, but I’m slowly seeing the progress. One step at a time as they say.

 

Acceptance

Oftentimes, accepting defeat or failure is the hardest.  We spend hours if not days, weeks if not months or even  years to wallow on the things we have no control about. We are controlled with lots of “why’s, what if’s and if only”. But the longer we want to get instant answer to our questions the higher the chances of making us feel bad and lower our self esteem. However, accepting the fact that life is like a wheel and that in every success is combined with failures, it will be easier to bounce back. They say, it is not how you start the race, it is how you end it .

 

Believe

I am this type of person who only believe with what I see. I don’t just believe what I’ve heard. I got to see it with my own eyes. Nevertheless, it doesn’t always work that way. It is not what you only see but it is what you perceive and what you are thinking. If you believe in  yourself, you  know you will get there. If you believe that you will make it, you will eventually. Always remember that you yourself is someone who will help you and no one else’s.

 

Understand

In every situation, there are those moments that no matter how hard you have tried, you feel like your effort isn’t enough. You feel like every thing is incomplete. Yes, because you didn’t try to understand. You expected more than what you did. As a matter of fact, I have high expectations for myself. I love competing with my own abilities and the more I compete, often I get frustrated. I learned to understand that if I did well today, tomorrow maybe different. It can bring me to a different stage or it could bring me down. Whatever the result, I understand that it will always give me a lesson.

Love

It is often the most ironic word we often use. The instant word we use to make someone feel better, but my question is, do you feel that love for yourself? I now fully understand that in order for me to fully love others, it must start within me. It must be loving myself first so I can share it to the people around. It isn’t about saying it, it is a matter of feeling the warmth you have in your heart.

Openness

This is one of my challenge to myself. I don’t usually open up to my friends. I’d rather keep it as long as I can. But I now learned that somehow, sharing the burdens make a life a little bit easier. They may not take it away, but at least it lessen the pain while sharing it. Although we have those closest people around, the most effective way is to become closer to God and most of all to open up to Him and allow Him to carry the burden you have. Trust God no matter what happen.

Undo/ Let go

Letting go is the hardest thing to do. It is because we cling too much to the idea that maybe we can still fight for it. Maybe we can still restore it. But if it isn’t worth every effort you do, learn to undo. Don’t dwell to much in the things that unresolvable rather give yourself the space for a better opportunity because while you keep fighting for the wrong ones, you are letting the best to pass. Instead, undo the hatred and turn it to love. Forgive and have that peace of mind. Just keep on seeking the good over the bad.

Start Over

There is always reasons why things happened. We may not understand it while we are experiencing it but there is always the word “START OVER!” Life is a combination of success and failure. We experience successes and failures. But it is how we start over whenever we fail. It is how we bounce back from every downfall we have. So if you fail today whether this is relationship, career, etc., as long as you are given the chance to see every light after each day, you always have the time to Start over.